On Being 39

A student came in to the business office at school/work this week wearing her 26 years of age like a badge of honor. "I'm an older, non-traditional student," she said smugly. I enjoyed bursting her bubble. "I'm an older student too," I said, "I'm 39." I also get ma'am on a regular basis by the students, I guess I am a grown up, at least in the eyes of 19-22 year olds. I am comfortable with my age for the first time in years. In fact, I like being almost 40.

I guess I always expected that one day I would just be "done", like a perfectly cooked souffle. I have been uncomfortable in my skin most of my life, waiting for that special ingredient that would make me OK. First, I tried whisky-ing myself better, then I tried sobering up, then I tried medication; 13 years of sobriety, years of therapy and 4 medications later, I am finally starting to realize that there is no magic ingredient. I even tried being a Christian for a few months, which will shock most of my friends and family.

Now it's 4:51am, I can't sleep because I'm so stressed out about my job which pays rediculously low, yet I'm writing about feeling comfortable. I don't know if it's my age, the experiences I've had so far that make up who I am, but I am finally OK and it feels good. I realize that there is no "done" in living, there is just living. Yes, I like being 39.