On Being 39

A student came in to the business office at school/work this week wearing her 26 years of age like a badge of honor. "I'm an older, non-traditional student," she said smugly. I enjoyed bursting her bubble. "I'm an older student too," I said, "I'm 39." I also get ma'am on a regular basis by the students, I guess I am a grown up, at least in the eyes of 19-22 year olds. I am comfortable with my age for the first time in years. In fact, I like being almost 40.

I guess I always expected that one day I would just be "done", like a perfectly cooked souffle. I have been uncomfortable in my skin most of my life, waiting for that special ingredient that would make me OK. First, I tried whisky-ing myself better, then I tried sobering up, then I tried medication; 13 years of sobriety, years of therapy and 4 medications later, I am finally starting to realize that there is no magic ingredient. I even tried being a Christian for a few months, which will shock most of my friends and family.

Now it's 4:51am, I can't sleep because I'm so stressed out about my job which pays rediculously low, yet I'm writing about feeling comfortable. I don't know if it's my age, the experiences I've had so far that make up who I am, but I am finally OK and it feels good. I realize that there is no "done" in living, there is just living. Yes, I like being 39.

Overwhelm

First off, I don't always return my phone calls promptly and I rarely listen to my voicemail. Secondly, I'm a little overwhelmed by my choices these days.

I am working full time, I start my second semester in two weeks, I take an enterance exam for an LPN program in two weeks, and I need to take my National Board Exam to get my WV massage license as soon as possible. The enterance exam is on the same day as my first day in English Composition, so I'm not sure how I'm going to pull that one off. And yet, I have time to gripe about it on a blog. I know... I KNOW. It relieves my stress though. And it's too cold out to smoke a cigar, which is another way I relieve stress, but I won't smoke inside.

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to learn in Eng. Comp. to not start sentences with "and", "if" or "but". But I will continue to do so, unless I'm turning in a paper to be graded. So back off. Ah, I feel better already.

I took an online sample entrance exam and got 100% in all but science. It's been awhile since high school chemistry folks, and I don't know what an ionic compound is. So I ordered a study manual which I will cram with the next two weekends.

I am enrolled at D&E in pre-nursing, with the intent to enroll in their 2 year registered nurse program in the fall. However, I also applied to a 1 year LPN program in Clarksburg at a technical school, for which I am taking the test on the 26th. They have 25 slots and 200 applicants. I'll let you know if I get in. The hope is to get through the LPN program (in 1 year) and then I can work as a nurse while taking the RN program, which will just take 1 more year at that point. Then I can decide if I want to go for 1 more year to get my BSN (bachelor of science in Nursing) which will open up more career opportunities.

Ack. I need to get my tax forms back so I can start applying for financial aid.
See, random thoughts and worries like that keep popping into my head. I'm going to go search more financial aid websites now.

Pukey Suki

I just posted to my Facebook that Suki was licking soymilk off the floor. Suki will randomly lick the floor wether or not anything tasty has fallen onto it, but this time she scored. Usually, she just gets lint balls from the carpet to hack up later. I will mention that Dave's least favorite sound is that of Suki licking. And she does lick, everything, constantly. She especially likes to lick when we are trying to sleep, be it her paws, the floor, or yes even the wall. She's odd like that. I'm not sure what she's missing in her diet or brain chemistry. Maybe she was taken from her mom too young and now she's orally fixated? Oh crap, she just puked. She's prone to puking too. Joy. Going to go clean the carpet now.

the plan

it is 18 degrees and snowing. i really need to see the sun.
i am on winter break from school, which means i am working full time and feeling like i am just spinning my wheels. yesterday, i decided i want to be a physical therapist. this is after a tormented day and night of trying to figure out what i want to be when i "grow up". i felt as though i needed a BIG PLAN for my future or i may dissolve into nothingness. i soul searched, which consisted of internet browsing, text messaging my best friend and crying a lot. i feel bad for dave, i think i stressed him out too.
i'm back to wanting to be a nurse, after all that fuss. PT would be cool too, i think i'd be really good at it, but it would be another SIX years of school. i'm having a really difficult time handling being a starving student, i don't want to do this for another six years. i don't think i have it in me.
i am looking forward to chemistry and english comp, which start january 25th.
dave is back from walgreens and we are going to eat dinner (i cooked chicken stirfry). he went to get gingerale for me because i had a craving. isn't he just the sweetest?

First blog posting

how many blogs are titled, "my first blog"? well, this IS my first blog. in fact, this is my first journal entry in at least five years, and here i am making it public.



i am returning to school at the age of 39. i actually started in the fall, and now i am an A student for the first time ever. my highschool gpa was 2.8. ouch. i found that out when i had to get my transcripts to apply for college. i don't think i was dumb, i think i just didn't give a darn about school when i was 16 years old. other things were more important. namely, drinking. i didn't do drugs (yet) but i drank like a fish throughout my youth. i skated by on the bare minimum in high school. just enough to get through it.



so i'm back. in school that is. and now i do give a darn. i want to be a nurse when i grow up. things i have been: charter boat cleaner, bookkeeper, restaurant help (dishes, food prep, server), massage therapist, non-profit lackey, personal assistant. i'm ready for the "real job" or professional career, to start. and that i have found, requires higher education. they don't let just anyone draw blood and change bed pans... only the highly educated. sign me up.

well, today is my 6 month anniversary with dave and he is taking me out to dinner, so i must wrap this up.

oh, before i go... did you make any new year's resolutions? mine: practice fiddle every day.